Here’s the first entry in a (hopefully) new blog series I’m going to write; it’s all about daily life in Japan, and the hundreds thousands millions of differences compared to Canada.

The Plastic & Porcelain God.

To kick it all off we have one of my very best friends, the Washlet. As you may already be aware, even though Japan is a 1st-world, developed country, there are some glaring anomalies which contradict this fact. When I was looking for a new apartment, one of them had a Western-style toilet seat, but no plumbing. It had the dreaded “hole” toilet. My friend Joe has the even more dreaded “squat + hole” toilet in his house. The Japanese feel that time spent sitting on the crapper is time wasted not working. Hence, squat = increased productivity. In fact, at the electronics factory I teach at, each floor’s washroom has 2 Squat toilets and 1 Western-style. Apparently the Western one is a popular place to take a quick nap, away from the prying eyes of management.

Back to the centerpiece of my apartment though, the Washlet. I love our Washlet. I’m sitting on it right now. Let’s go over the functions:

• Heated (adjustable) seat, for those cold winter mornings.
• Variable water temperature.
• Variable spray, from tinkle-light to enema-strong.
• Different sprays for male & female… stuff.

I guess I’m doing my part for the environment too, since I’m using less toilet paper. It’s gotten to the point where using regular toilets is a strange and uncomfortable experience. I try to time my schedule around my Washlet. I apologize to my Washlet if I’ve used other toilets.

However, there is some competition.

On the first floor of the company I teach at, there’s something I can only describe as a showcase washroom, probably for when their overseas partners visit. In this washroom, my friends, is the Cadillac of Washlets. It has all the features that I listed above, a fan to dry your behind, plus a 4-way directional joystick to adjust the direction of the spray! Valhalla in a toilet, I say…

…if we need that extra push over the cliff…Eleven.

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